Money has always felt bigger than me. Expansive. I have this tendency to shove BIG expansive things into tiny boxes in order to appease my brain. If I put everything into its corresponding compartment, I can maintain control of life. (Ahem, control freak. Ahem.) Naturally, money was stored in the Stress Box next to outstanding medical bills and the limiting beliefs of I’ll never have enough and I can’t make a living while doing what I love.
It was in that box where money resided for over a decade. During these years, I exceled at jobs I hated, repeatedly telling myself that I’d quit and pursue my passion when I had enough money. (Someone once asked me, “What does ‘enough’ look like?” I wouldn’t answer. I resorted to classic misdirection.)
After my spontaneous spiritual awakening in March 2014, I was inspired to open my Stress Box. I sort of expected a big money monster to leap out and attack my face. I was ready to be defensive, play the role of victim, and talk about how money had wronged me and failed me and turned me into the jaded workaholic I had become. When I peeked inside of the box, however, I was shocked at what I saw. There she was, shoved in the corner, bruised and starved for attention. I carefully approached her, with my arms stretched out.
“What’s your name?” I asked. “Marjorie,” she whispered.
“Who did this to you?”
“It’s okay,” I assured her. “I won’t hurt you. Who did this to you?”
“You did,” she squeaked out.
This is when I experienced a quantum leap of realization. Rather than a linear, step-by-step way of learning lessons, my spiritual awakening oftentimes tosses me like a ragdoll into deeper levels of understanding.
For the first time ever, I had met Marjorie, the manifestation of my relationship with money.
This confused me at first. I always had seen money as this materialistic thing whose sole purpose was to help me get other fun shiny things. It was something to be used. Why, then, was I suddenly seeing my relationship with money as its own being? As a warped and emaciated energetic entity who had been used and abused and hidden from the light of day?
When I became aware of Marjorie, I was in the worst financial state of my life. I had begun pursuing my intuitive business and had sworn off the corporate world. I figured that, since I was following my divine path and helping others, I’d be immediately rewarded with a plush salary. Turns out, this isn’t how it works. After much avoidance and even more credit card debt, I reached a point where I had no other choice but to do the work to heal my relationship with Marjorie.
She was in so much pain—pain I had chosen not to feel. This pain was from traumatic financial events dating back to when I was eleven years old. It was time to revisit these experiences and give them the attention they deserved.
This process infuriated me. I screamed. I ugly cried. I cursed. I punched [consenting] pillows. At first, it didn’t seem to help. But, with no other option, I continued handling the past situations as they arose to be processed. Within a few weeks, something fascinating happened. After a month-long monetary drought, I got three new clients within two days. I immediately thanked Marjorie, sharing happy tears of gratitude with her. I noticed that she seemed healthier and calmer than the last time I’d checked.
She inspired me to work on the Wealth & Prosperity corner in my house. She convinced me to begin donating, no matter how “poor” I felt. She encouraged me to take trips to toy stores in order to reconnect with that eleven-year-old version of myself. She showed me how to stop using credit cards and instead believe that what I need will be provided to me. And guess what? It’s working.
I was able to quit my part-time job at the turn of the new year. I haven’t used a credit card in months. Am I raking in lots of cash? Not yet. But I am making enough to survive while doing what I love for a living.